13 Ways To Deal With Dating Anxiety || Dating Anxiety Disorder
Dating is typically a situation where people feel scrutinized, have to meet new people, and may fear they’ll do something embarrassing. In this way, dating only adds fuel to the anxiety fire. Rife with opportunities for awkward conversations and infinite unknown factors — Will she show up? Will he like me? What do I say? What if I say too much? What if I spill my drink? Get rejected?
So, What is social anxiety???
“persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing.” Those who are shy, if not socially anxious, tend to experience social situations in a more reserved, tense and uncomfortable manner, especially when meeting new people. It may take longer to open up and share, which can affect one’s ability to form close relationships.
How can I overcome this? I don’t want my anxiety to get the best of me and ruin my date.
Before you jump on those ultimate dating tips to sweep your girl off her feet, it’s very important to actually come to terms with the fact that you have this dating anxiety. Once you confront this feeling, it will become easy for you to overcome them.
Keep It Casual
Rather than going into each date with the mindset that you have to find that one true love tonight, do an expectation makeover: imagine if you saw this date as an isolated event without consequences. Let the date just be a date. Not the be all and end all, not the test of whether it’s worth it, not the test of whether you are lovable. The immediate purpose in the moment is to connect. It won’t jinx you if you let go of the big goal, quite the opposite: it will free you up to be present, pay attention and enjoy.
Change What If to What is
Rather than doing your pre-game huddle with the worst-case scenarios; do a reality check. Change the question from “What if?” to “What is?” Write lists side by side on a piece of paper. In the first column, write down your fears, in the second column, write down the facts. For instance, your fear may say: What if she doesn’t like me? What if we have nothing in common? What if I never meet anyone? What if I end up alone? Whereas the facts sound like this: I have interests, I have things to talk about that I care about. Even if she’s not interested in everything I say, we are likely to find some things in common, and if we don’t, that’s a no fault thing. It’s not a sign of trouble. It happens.
Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
If you’re uncomfortable — say it — chances are the other person feels the same way and by joking about it, this is how you will break the ice together. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, that’s all. It doesn’t mean the end of the world. It’s just this one date; it’s not the end of dating.
Never Doubt Yourself
How a date turns out is not a reflection on your datability, or loveability, it’s about chemistry, and chemistry is a two-way street. Proceed with the same caution about interpreting the outcome as you did about entering the situation at all. Don’t race ahead with conclusions about your apparent failure that don’t have any validity. When it doesn’t happen, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen somewhere else, it only means that it isn’t happening here.
Stop Thinking Start Doing
Neutralize your thinking. Your first thoughts when things don’t work are: “I’ll never find anyone, I’ll be alone the rest of my life. Everyone else finds love, I can’t. There’s something wrong with me.” This is how you are feeling in the moment, but don’t confuse that with the facts. It feels like everyone else is going to find love, but I know that’s just a feeling, I just haven’t found that person for me yet. I’m feeling like there’s something wrong with me, but I’m just really upset right now. I wasn’t feeling like there was something wrong with me before I went out on the date. I’m just hurt. These neutral edits not only make you feel better, but they are actually the accurate story of what’s happening.
What If She Is Not ‘The One’
While you can be somebody’s Mr. Perfect, you too are on a constant search for the woman who is perfect for you. In the process you end up comparing every girl you meet and don’t really like anyone. You also get worried about “What if she is not the one?”
The Fear Of Heartbreak
We all are afraid of getting hurt. But if you hold yourself back because of this fear, then you are definitely going to be left heartbroken. See you don’t know whether you would get hurt or not, but even for that you would have to at least give it a shot.What you can do is be more honest with her about your feelings and love.
The Damage Caused By Past Relationship
Getting over your past relationship is tricky and no matter what you do, it always affects your present and future. You might as well feel that the debris from your damaged relationship will get carried forward in this one too. Let your past stay right where it is. Neither the people nor the situations are same. So don’t compare your past and present.
Fear Of Falling Out Of Love
Some might argue on this point but people often have this fear that they might fall out of love and hurt the other person. So you don’t give yourself a chance at all thinking that this might be good for both of you.
You are not a fortune teller, so don’t act like one. Instead, go ahead and at least give yourself a chance.
She Is Too Good For Me
The ‘Out of my league’ concept is so popular that we always end up compromising on our love. Guys honestly, if you won’t try, someone else will. By accepting the fact that a girl is too good for you, you are actually limiting yourself to failure and bad dates.
She is out of your league only till the time you think she is. Find the real cause for your insecurity and once done that, approach her with confidence.
The Fear Of Rejection
No one likes being rejected! But if you don’t make a move at all fearing rejection, it’s worse than getting rejected. In fact, I have seen many people see the person they love dating someone else, just because they didn’t have the guts or were scared of getting a ‘no’.
Practicing self-disclosures
Shy and anxious people are less likely to share about themselves and self-disclose. Dating advice books may prescribe pick-up lines or manipulative, gamey strategies to win over a date. But real relationships are based upon sharing who you are with your date. Self-disclosure is the gateway to intimacy–it lets you get closer to someone as you both reveal more and more. Yet the last thing a shy or anxious person may feel comfortable doing is letting their guard down, which is why practicing sharing is a vital element.
Reducing the threat of judgment from others–and yourself
One of the reasons people may not disclose more about themselves is for fear of being judged. The threat of negative evaluation from others–such as being negatively perceived by your date–is the root of social anxiety, and is exacerbated in a dating setting. Most of the time, anxious daters highly overestimate how harshly their partner is judging them. If a social situation goes awry, they automatically blame themselves. If they make a comment that comes out wrong, they beat themselves up for hours or days afterwards. They assume the other person thinks the worst of them and is focusing on their flaws and mistakes. This is usually because people who are socially anxious tend to have lower self-esteem and make automatic negative assumptions about themselves. Because they judge themselves harshly, they assume others do, too. And it makes them not want to share, be open or be vulnerable.
A recent research meta-analysis showed a strong association between EI(Emotional Intelligence) and relationship satisfaction. This means that for both men and women, couples with high EI tended to be happier in their love life together. In order to glean the benefits of EI in dating and new relationships, the focus should be on learning to:
1) Monitor and understand one’s own emotions, rather than push emotions away or ignore them
2) Self-soothe and cope with emotions when they arise
3) Harness emotions to problem-solve or help a situation
4) Listen, tune into, and accurately perceive the feelings of your date
5) Show empathy and create a connection through shared experiences.
It’s normal to feel anxious in new situations like dating, the important thing is to not interpret that nervous feeling as a sign of trouble: with you, your date, or your potential together; it’s just human nature. We are wired to proceed with caution in situations where we can’t predict the outcome — and especially in those situations where we think we might get hurt. Fear of ruining the relationship and fear of losing her. This tension is natural when it comes to relationship, but men often disguise their apprehensions with the ‘single’ status. It feels that they don’t want to identify themselves with this anxiety of getting into a relationship or dating. This is possibly one of the reasons why some men don’t succeed in getting into any relationship.
Guys, there is no harm in confessing your feelings. Like even if she says no, at least you tried and won’t have any regrets later.
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