6 Ways You're Unknowingly Sabotaging Your Relationship

I had just started dating this girl. And I remember thinking, throughout most of the initial period of our relationship, that maybe I did not deserve her. Maybe, I just did not deserve being with someone as good as her.

We believe that we aren’t worth something so good, even if it’s what we’ve been waiting for all our lives. So, when we do get a shot at reaching out and taking it for ourselves, we cower. And that, my dear friends, is how we sabotage our relationships; especially the ones with the people—the only people ever—who treat us right. Finding love is, in some ways, the ultimate out-of-body experience, in that we feel so attuned and connected to someone else.

---

   Yet it is also a process of adventure and discovery that is entirely internal. Understanding that inner world is vital to letting ourselves get close to someone else. With that in mind, here are a few ways we may be getting in our own way when it comes to intimacy:

Avoiding pain

"Love hurts." The saying is both tired and true. Yet, as much as it gets lamented in pop songs or portrayed on movie screens, we don’t really let it sink in. Part of us feels, once we find the right person and make the smart choices, love will be easy—blissful, less complicated than all those other relationships around us. The twisted truth is, the closer the relationship and the better the choice we’ve made, the more pain we can expect to feel. Love doesn’t just wound us, because people disappoint us or because circumstances change. It can hurt most when it is at its best.

 

Protecting ourselves

Author James Baldwin wrote, “Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” We all harbor a brick wall of psychological defenses that we’ve built up since we were born. Everything that hurt us, that convinced us we were insignificant, that scared us or held us back lays the foundation for these defenses. Some adaptations we made to survive painful events may be healthy, but most are no longer adaptive and actually serve to limit us.

 

You Feel Like A Fraud

The impostor syndrome is a situation when you start feeling like a fraud for having been awarded something that you really absolutely deserve, but don’t feel worthy of. You know this feeling all too well, where you’re with this amazing person, looking into their eyes, wondering ‘How the hell did I get so lucky?’ for me I wake up every morning thinking, “How the hell I get this girl” I mean WOW.  And then, you are consumed by this flood of thought that somehow, you may have tricked them into being with you. You feel like a fraud and a cheat because a part (a large one) of you believes that you don’t deserve someone as good as her.

You need to understand that this person would never be with you, unless they wanted to. Always remember, you can take a horse to a pond; but you cannot make it drink from the pond if it doesn’t want to.

 

You Build Walls 

We are a generation that is fearful; not for our lives or our belongings as much as we are for our personal spaces and insecurities. We are scared that the moment we open up to another person about who we truly are, or what we truly feel, they will hurt us. The result is, we shut people out; even the ones who want to heal us, or save us from the damage we cause to our own selves. We build these walls up around ourselves to block the hurt out and from preventing anyone to see how vulnerable we really are when, all the other person may be looking for is just a crack to peek into our souls. This person could be our saving grace and we may never know because we’re too scared to hurt again.

To love is to be vulnerable. To love is to give someone the power to hurt you and hope that they won’t. It’s a huge risk. It’s a lot like a matter of life and death. But would you rather die having felt nothing than to have died having felt what it feels to love, be loved and not be hurt, to show someone your wounds, to see someone else’s wounds and then, to heal each other’s wounds? Think about it.

 

You Don’t Stay And Fight

Dude come on sometimes you will be in a serious relationship and then you have to stay and fight for what is yours. Fight for that someone who makes you happy fight for that person for whom you can go to the end of the world right. Stay and fight the hell out of anyone or anything who tries to come between you and your special one

Don’t run and hide. This person that you’re with is the best that it’s ever going to get. You waited all your life to find someone like her. So, wouldn’t you go to the ends of the Earth and give all you can if you think there is even a 0.5 percent chance that this might just be it? You have that spark; she makes you feel like you could jump over the moon every single time she smiles. And when she smiles, all your problems seem to disappear. Then, why wouldn’t you fight for her? Why wouldn’t you stay and rough it out? Do you know how many people spend their entire lifetimes waiting, searching and hoping to find what you already have? 

 

You Overthink And Over-Analyze

Your friends don’t think you’ll make it. Your mother thinks it’s bad news. You psychic thinks it could be bad luck. Why are you even listening to them? From the moment you first set eyes on her, you knew. You knew that she was going to change your life—for better or for worse. And you knew right then, that you were ready for anything and everything that came in your way, as long as you were certain she was by your side.

So, how are you even allowing others, who don’t even know how she makes you feel, to stand in your way and jeopardize what might be your only chance at the kind of love they talk about in books? Why are you even entertaining thoughts of how this is going to be jinxed because everybody else thinks so?

What do you think? More importantly, what do you feel? Close your eyes. Shut the world out. Imagine her face smiling back at you; calling your name. You already feel like you can conquer the world. If she makes you feel so positive, why do you doubt? If you think negative thoughts, negative things are what will come back to you. If you think positive thoughts, positive things are what will happen to you.

So, flashback to the moment you asked her out and she said ‘yes’( Well actually she asked me out) . Feel how it felt back then to believe in your heart that this was going to work out. Feel that love you felt back then and feel it in the moment you are in. Now believe it.

---

Believe that she’s the only one, that you love her and you know for sure that she loves you more.

---